


Degree

by afflictedaesthetic



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, fluff - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Death, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-21 08:36:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9539984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflictedaesthetic/pseuds/afflictedaesthetic
Summary: As we all know the infamous Dan Howell, he tends to be stubborn with regards to himself, but one event changes that for the rest of his life. He battles several situations with no one by his side-- or so he thought. Soon enough, Phil Lester engages himself into Dan's life as he tries to make his last days of walking on earth the best he's ever had.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! As some of you may know this has been published on Wattpad already, but this is a revised version! (by that i mean making everything sadder than it already is) if major character death or mentions of cancer triggers you this narrative probably isn't best for you. This contains many descriptive details regarding cancer and struggling in life so it may leave you emotional for a few moments.  
> To add, the tenses aren't fluid throughout the work, I'm sorry.

  

 

            I couldn’t breathe. I am physically unable to breathe, air doesn’t properly come into my lungs and when it does it takes an eternity to come out. I could barely climb the stairs, I figured it wasn’t because I barely go outside to exercise; I just finished a theatrical stage show, rather it seemed like something much greater was bothering me and giving me this disability. I couldn’t talk for 10 minutes straight without needing to catch my breath, I couldn’t carry my own baggage nor could I carry my equipment for when I need to film a new video. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom to wash my hands without feeling as if I ran a 500 meter marathon. Everything would always ache, I don’t feel like I am properly in control of my body anymore. I’m in desperate need of help; I couldn’t take this pain anymore.

 

It was about a week ago that I was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. Yes, cancer, that sickness that once you get it clings onto you like there's no tomorrow. It was horrible hearing the doctor say that the cancer was far too severe and I couldn’t be properly treated anymore. Death was present, frankly, far too present. The only phrase that remained with me was “Dan, you only have a 20% chance of surviving cancer.” I mean sure, in an optimistic point of view I still have 20%, but this is reality, I don’t have much time to do almost anything anymore, I’ve been far too corrupted by the sickness.

I'm obviously in pain, everything hurts. My head wouldn’t stop spinning, my body was aching. Whenever I would cough, it wouldn’t end. It was like a constant infinity, it went on for minutes to hours and majority of the time would only end when I would lose the strength to let out another cough. Laughing was almost a difficult as walking up and down the stairs, the action I once favored dearly became something I now despised. Whenever I would laugh, my chest would burn. The aching was unbounded, my chest would hurt so much that I would need to wrap my arms securely around it just to make it stop aching. All of this pain was far too much for me to handle; I need it to end.

It hurt far too much, but what hurt more was when I saw Phil. Today could just be the last day I could see him, the last day I could hold his hand, the last day I could kiss his perfect lips, the last day I could create much more meaningful memories with him, the last day I could be as annoying as ever and he would still look at me with the most love in his eyes I have ever seen. Today can be the last day I can say "I love you" the last day he could see and feel that love him ever so dearly. It hurt that I might never see our fans again, I'll never hear their sweet voices singing the song we played while they wait for our theatrical stage show to begin, it hurt that I may never see their warm vivid smiles and feel their affectionate hugs whenever we meet them, it hurt that I may never truly feel the love they send to Phil and I even if they are from the other side of the world.

Today could have probably been the last day I could film a video on danisnotonfire, today could be the last day Phil and I could make a baking video, today could be the last day I get to see every single person who loved me when I thought no one did, or the last day I could smile at a simple joke my boyfriend, Phil Lester would say. And frankly, that’s the thing. Today can be the last of anything. At this point many things art artificial, at some points my family would just pretend to be happy just so I could have a good day, or I would be given a taco even if I’m not hungry to create a great day. Frankly, when you have cancer everyone always tries to make your good days even better, it’s not because they’re being nice or sensitive, it’s because they know you’re dying, and any moment apart from now, you could probably die.

I'm too afraid to look a Phil, to talk to him, because I know tomorrow I might disappear from the face of the earth and never see him again. I’m just a bomb, when the time is up I’m eventually going to explode and obliterate everything in my path. Everyone I once loved will be left with destroyed emotions as I have just left them. I'd see everyone I know and love in tears, I'll never be able to see the same smiles everyone used to have before I died. They'll just feel purely depressed, because of me.

I'm going to die, no doubt about that. I just didn't know I'd die so soon. After the book Phil and I wrote, our world tour together, after the several awards we have won, after inspiring so much people and saving so many lives Frankly, I didn't know I'd die at 25. For the past 6 years out of those 25 I’ve had I thought I’d be able to continue making people happy, continue inspiring them and possibly save more lives from whenever people turn to suicide as an option. I've been making people happy ever since 2009 with my videos and little comedy sketches, now I would have made everyone sad and depressed after I die just because I would have lost my fight against cancer. I honestly thought I would live until I was 50, maybe even 60. Never in my life did I think that a severe illness would ruin everything I’ve accomplished, I never thought this illness would have broken so many hearts. 

                                                **_One month later_**

It has been a month ever since I was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  I've been pushing everyone away, friends, family, even the fans who stuck by me through thick and thin, but most of all, Phil.  I've been pushing him away far too much, every day he knocks on my door bringing food and some movies. I often don't look at him, I don't smile at him or even greet him, frankly, I’m far too scared to make him love me even more since I know I will eventually leave him earlier than when he thought I’d leave him. He looked so pale now, more than usual, his complexion was like snow, it was too pure to be damage. His eyes often turned red and were often swollen, his cheeks were obviously stained by the enormous amount of tears that flowed out of his eyes whenever he would cry.

Still deep into my thoughts, I didn’t realize that Phil walked into my room. He was holding a tray that consisted of a salad and some films, I presumed it was for him and I to watch on my laptop to try and lighten the dull mood we both shared. He looked so broken, so beat up it was like he lost the ability to smile and find any happiness in the world and between him and I, he was the optimistic one.

"Dan, we need to talk." he said, as he placed down the tray that held my food and the films we were going to watch. I don't answer; I feel far too weak to answer. "Dan, please, don't push me away, we can get through this together." he said and yet again I don't reply. He sat down next to me on my bed as he took my hand and placed it into his. "Dan, we can do this together, I promise. You can fight this, you can fight your cancer; we can fight your cancer, but I can't help you if you don't let me in. “Phil said as his voice cracked; he was close to breaking down into tears. I look at him, I'm too weak to speak. "Dan, please" he said as he choked on his words, he started to cry. "I love you so much" he continued. I needed to say something, but I couldn’t. I open my mouth and try to speak, "I love you too" I said, but it came out as a whisper. Nonetheless, he still heard it.

His head shot up, "What did you say?” Phil asked, as tears streamed down his face as he smiled. "I love you” I said again, it was a whisper, but he still heard it. As soon as those three words left my mouth I immediately tried my best to stand up and leave, I don't want him to have hope that I'll live. I don't want anyone to be attached to me anymore, I don’t want to be the cause of their depression, I don’t want them to be so close to me because I don’t want to break their hearts.

As I stood up, I tripped and fell onto the hard ground causing me to have an extreme shortness of breath. The moment my body collided with the ground Phil instantly helped me back on me feet. I can literally never do anything for myself, because of the sickness I couldn’t buy food for myself, drive for myself, nor could I get dressed properly by myself. I couldn’t even breathe for myself as I need an oxygen tank to help me.

"Phil, it hurts so much, I couldn’t even stand up and even worse, I couldn’t breathe.” I said, as I began to cry. “Phil, I’m so sorry but, I'm never going to be able to adopt a child with you or own a dog with you. I could never buy a house with you film with you. I could never see the happy look on your face when we get to explore the rest of the world or whenever we see animals like koalas or cats because I'll be dead, Phil, I'll die." I said, as I sob rather hard. Phil didn’t reply, he knew I’d die. "Then let's do whatever you want to do now." he said, as he tried to lift my spirit. "Okay." I said, I was far too tired to pour out so much emotion, this is all because of the cancer.

                                    **_One month later_**

We went to Vidcon, it has been a really long while ever since we went to Vidcon so interact with other creators and of course, the fans and it was primarily located in the United States of America. We planned this a few days after I poured my heart out to Phil since I wanted to explain to the fans what was truly happening behind the camera, especially since they are the main reason as to why Phil and I are extremely successful. They are extremely oblivious to the fact that I am dying especially since I stopped uploading videos for a while as I just made excuses such as “I'm with my parents.” “The internet connection is horrible.” Or “We’re creating a secret project that you will find out about soon!” The whole situation was purely unjust, we need to repair that and going to Vidcon seemed like the best option, especially since more than a thousand fans come to see us live.

Getting the doctor’s approval was a huge challenge, they constantly presumed that my lungs could give out at any moment or that America doesn't have the medication for me and that it's only available in London and much more that I couldn’t properly recalled, nevertheless they still agreed even with the circumstances. Though, going to the airport was an even bigger challenge, I had to bring an oxygen tank with me as my lungs were far too weak to be able to intake and release oxygen as is. I saw that some people actually recognized Phil and I, but they didn't say anything, it was really just a drastic reaction upon seeing us, I'm guessing they were too afraid to walk up to us and ask for a picture especially since I was carrying around my oxygen tank and it would have been quite peculiar to all of the fans especially since we never explained the situation yet.

            About a day after we landed, it was time for Vidcon. The venue was rather large but Phil and I had to stay backstage so the fans wouldn’t overreact when they see me using an oxygen tank. Though soon upon arrival, it was time for the two of us to go on stage. Once we heard our names being called to go onto the stage my heart started beating faster by the second, this was it. “Hello, everybody!” I said into my microphone, I tried my best to keep in the coughs that wanted to escape. “So you all may have known that Phil and I, well, mainly I haven’t been uploading videos on YouTube for a while. The reason behind that is because, I have stage 4 lung cancer.” I said, I tried my best to keep in all the tears that wanted to leak out, and from what I saw, the audience was doing that as well. “I was actually diagnosed with it 2 months ago, so that explains the ‘not being able to upload’ phenomena, but there was much more to the story. I didn’t want to tell you all because I was afraid you’d end up feeling destroyed when I die.” I said, I took a brief pause, my chest started aching. “—But now I know, that was a horrible decision. I know I shouldn’t have kept anything from you guys, you all mean so much to me, it’s just I couldn’t bear to think that you would all have to go through all of this pain just because of me. I want you guys to know that I love you so much.” I said, I paused yet again, the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable. “I want you guys to know that I will forever be here with you. Sure, not in the form of a human, but in spirit. Although that sounds quite odd, I’ll still be here to love and support you all nonetheless. I will never forget you, don’t forget me” I concluded, but the conclusion was not something I had expected. My lungs failed and I collapsed on the stage in front of thousands of people, the tumor has finally reached my heart and ended my life, nonetheless I’m glad I was able to tell my story, sure it isn’t your typical sugarcoated fairy tale, but it was my story and I hope everyone enjoyed it while it lasted.

 

 


End file.
